listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
