don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
