She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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