Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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