Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize