there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
