I just saw a hot homeless man
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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