How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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