he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
