I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
