On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize