There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
