I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
