Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just want to make out with him forever
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I need water and some morals
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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