well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
