I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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