Your face is a jimmy john
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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