Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
time to smoke my breakfast
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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