It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
