John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have already put on my inside pants.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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