These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
