someone threw a dead crab at me
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
