sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can you bring me the toilet please
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
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