You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
