Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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