we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
