I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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