I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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