end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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