I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
