I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
