i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
