Don't you send me to vm
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
