She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
