She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
