i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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