nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
