i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
