Swine flu is the new snow day.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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