okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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