Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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