dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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