so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
