i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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