he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
