i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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