i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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