Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
