That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
