Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
FUCK WHALES
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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