U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
