Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
