Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I got inside last night via doggy door
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
