she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
