I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
