My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
