How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
