a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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