I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
