He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
